Working Through the Past: When and Why We Should Forgive

Maybe you have always been told to, “forgive and forget,” or turn the other cheek. Religious teachings instill forgiveness as a divine act and representative of our highest self. But why should we forgive others? Is not offering forgiveness holding us back in some way, or can it be helpful? It all depends on how you define forgiveness.

What is Forgiveness

In mental health, forgiveness is defined as letting go of resentment and vengeful thinking for people who have hurt you. It is not agreement to or minimization of the pain the other person has created or the hurt you feel. In contrast, the view of forgiveness as something we MUST do to move on - and sometimes do to avoid negativity, can be toxic and harmful. 

Should We Forgive and Forget

Working through the past is more complicated than just forgiving and moving on. A painful event is considered traumatic if it overwhelms your ability to cope. This can apply to a range of situations and not just the things we think of as traumatic (injuries, car accidents, sexual assaults). The concept of “forgive and forget” is problematic because we all know you never really forget something painful. You can push it down but it will still bubble up, sometimes in ways that affect your physical and mental health and relationships. Trauma continues to be stored in your mind and body - until you do the hard work of working through it.

What Happens If We Don’t Forgive Others

There has been some research that shows forgiving others can improve your mental and physical health, and that not forgiving may result in feeling disconnected and bitter. But it’s important to separate not forgiving from pushing feelings down or away. The negative effects of not forgiving are not directly related to whether or not we forgive a certain person, they are related to how we hold onto and view the situation, ourselves, and the people involved. 

If we maintain anger and resentment against the person or situation, and are stuck in questioning the unfairness or reasons, we create suffering. Acceptance allows us to agree that the person or situation was painful, which then creates an opportunity to move past the trauma and to heal. 

Is Forgiveness Necessary for Healing

Forgiveness - at least the kind that involves the person that hurt us, is not necessary for healing. If you experienced childhood abuse or sexual assault, it doesn’t make sense that you should have to engage with the person who caused you pain in order to heal from that same pain. Forgiveness isn’t about the person who hurt us. Forgiveness is for you. 

And while forgiving others isn’t necessary for working through the past and healing, actively holding onto grudges, anger and hatred only hurt you. Wishing pain on the person who hurt you only brings suffering to you. There is a difference between accountability and vengeance.

Power of Forgiveness

Forgiveness has been shown to lower severity of some mental health diagnoses (notably anxiety and depression), decrease use of unhealthy coping skills, and increase satisfaction and self worth. And forgiving others has also been shown to allow for perspective taking and increased empathy. 

Science has been used to map the brains of subjects during experiments on forgiveness and unforgiveness and the positive effects listed above related to brain changes in the subjects who demonstrated forgiveness.

How Do You Forgive Someone Who Hurts You

The first step in forgiveness is to be certain you are not forgiving in order to minimize your experience and pain or to push it down or away - or to make it easier for someone else.  If you are using forgiveness in an attempt to avoid dealing with the hurt, the person who hurt you, or the situation you are in, your big feelings and lack of agency will probably be back. 

Empathy

As hard as it is to see things from another perspective, especially with people who have abused or hurt us deeply, it is helpful in the context of working towards forgiveness. People are doing their best - always. But that doesn’t mean their best is not sometimes abusive and painful. People deal with their reality in ways they have learned from their past. If someone grew up in an abusive household, they may think violence and anger are normal ways to resolve conflict. But that isn’t to say that people don’t change and learn healthier ways of doing things. It just means that even the people who hurt us are doing their best. 

Compassion

If we begin to accept that people are doing their best, the next step is developing compassion. Compassion is not forgiveness, agreeing that we somehow deserved mistreatment, or lack of accountability. Compassion is simply the wish to see others free from suffering. If someone has hurt you, does it make sense to wish them pain? It may feel good - in the moment, but that quickly turns to anger or guilt. Wishing that someone be free from suffering benefits others and you. You free your mind (and body) from the toxic sludge of anger, vengeance, and shame.

Meaning

The final step is making meaning of the experience. Let me be clear, we do not need to be abused in order to learn about our strength and resilience. But if that is your experience, looking at what it has taught you - in a healthy and growth based way - can make it easier to allow forgiveness. Maybe you have learned that what happened to you as a child wasn’t your fault or responsibility and you can then go on to hold people accountable for their actions. Or maybe you learned that you don’t deserve to be hurt in relationships and you went to counseling to learn how to recognize red flags and set boundaries. 

All of these steps can help lead you to the place where forgiveness is possible. Again, it is not necessary to involve the person who hurt you in the act of forgiveness. It just means you are able to release attachment to some of the negative feelings. 

How Do I Move On

In our previous blog about letting go of things, we talked about ways to accept reality and let things be as they are. Moving on after trauma is not easy. In some ways your view of the world may feel skewed and things may not feel safe anymore. It may feel better to hang on to the feelings of anger and hate - almost like a familiar blanket that covers up all the harder things we don’t want to look at or feel. But that blanket starts to smother you. If you are struggling with moving on, try one of these tips:

Distraction

When you can’t seem to stop the hamster wheel in your head, distraction can be a good way to get some peace. Pick something that engages your brain. Games on your phone, binge watching television, calling a friend to spill the tea. All of these activities can serve as a temporary fix. 

Grounding

Sometimes ruminating thoughts can keep you stuck in the past. Come back to the present by trying some grounding exercises. Grounding involves engaging your brain and body and helps you feel more centered and in the now.

Externalize Your Experience

One of the sneaky things about our thoughts is that we believe them. If I think it, it must be true. Right? Not necessarily. Many of the things we think are true are our judgments and interpretations. Take a step back from your thoughts and imagine them as clouds floating by, as leaves on a stream, or as passing train cars. This will allow you a little space between your thoughts and your reality and sometimes this is enough. 

Reframing 

After you have created some distance from your thoughts, you can start to question whether or not they are true and then create what you would like to believe instead. Reframing your thoughts involves thinking about what the truth is, rather than what your  judgments and assumptions are telling you. 

Control What You Can Control 

In the midst of being stuck in painful memories we can forget that we have control in the present that we might not have had in the past. If there are tangible things you can change, in your environment or in your thoughts, working on changing those things works much better than sitting in helplessness and overwhelm. Write down a list of what’s bothering you and assess whether or not they can be solved or just have to be tolerated. 

Forgiving Yourself

The most important step in forgiveness is to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for not being perfect, for holding onto resentment and pain, for not doing what you “should” have done, for not being able to forgive and move on and for the pain you have caused others. You are doing your best too. And you can always grow and work to change. Compassion isn’t just for others, it starts with you. 

If you are in the Mesa area and experiencing difficulty forgiving others or yourself, contact us today to schedule a free consultation. We also provide support for women struggling with depression, anxiety, relationship issues, and life transitions. 

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