Why Do I Attract Toxic People
Toxic people can be manipulative and spread unhappiness and personal suffering to others. Have you ever wondered why you attract toxic people? Whether it’s toxic friendships or romantic relationships you seem to always find yourself in the midst of people who hurt you. You may have thought that it is by chance or that you’re unlucky for meeting such people. You may have even thought that toxic people just simply gravitate towards you. While these reasons may be probable, have you ever considered that quite possibly your own behavior is attracting toxic people?
Why Do People Become Toxic?
It’s important to understand that a toxic person’s behavior has nothing to do with you, unless you enable it. A toxic person is oftentimes struggling internally and is projecting their hurt onto others. This can oftentimes be traced back to negative childhood experiences and unresolved trauma that the person has not yet come to terms with. It’s likely that a person who is demonstrating toxic behavior is behaving in a certain way because they themselves have not been able to address their unresolved trauma or take accountability for their emotions, behaviors, and ongoing life problems. This doesn’t mean that this person’s hurtful and damaging behavior is justified, but it can explain why they are the way they are.
What Are The Characteristics Of A Toxic Person?
In order to stop attracting toxic people, it is essential that you begin to recognize the signs of a toxic person so you can protect yourself and create boundaries to support your own mental and physical well-being. As I was writing this blog post, I asked a few people if they could describe to me traits of a toxic person based on their own experiences. I have kept their identities private, and have included just their gender and age for reference. As you read this, take some time to reflect on your own life and see if you can identify your toxic relationships, behaviors and situations.
“Emotionally manipulative, make you feel special then use it against you later. Selfish.”
-Female (she/her); 27-years-old
“People who judge everything that you do. They act like they are better than everyone else and try to “one up” you. They constantly lie and pretend to be something that they are not. They’ll talk about you behind your back and aren’t trustworthy.``
-Male (he/him); 26-years-old
“Self-confident, self-centered, and their opinions/ thoughts are superior to you and other people. Selfish. Poor control of emotions or self control. It’s kind of hard to see because I am attracted to confident people because in my opinion it can represent strength...but it’s a fine line when confidence turns into superiority above others. So superiority in all chapters of a person’s character can be very toxic.”
-Female (she/her); 47-years-old
“Manipulative, plays the victim, acts in self advantageous ways even if they hurt other people, lacks empathy, and is controlling.”
--Female (she/her); 28-years-old
“To me, toxic people are people who drain your energy but don’t give you anything in return (emotionally, financially, in acts of service). I don’t do things expecting something in return but it’s exhausting to give and give and not have some reciprocity. I also think toxic people are people who don’t respect your boundaries. If you tell someone no, that should be enough. But some people keep pushing and pushing and you realize it’s all about them and has very little to do with their care or concern for you.”
-Female (she/her); 49-years-old
“Someone who is only friends with people who benefit them in some way. Basically just use other people.”
-Male (he/him); 27-years-old
“A person who acts on double standards. Doesn’t want you doing it, but will do it themselves. Not wanting to be with you but won’t leave you alone to move on.”
-Female (she/her); 24-years-old
“People who constantly need validation or have an overly jealous, pessimistic or negative outlook on life, and people who you can’t get a straight answer out of them and constantly embellish everything that comes out of their mouth so you don’t know what to believe.”
-Male (he/him); 64-years-old
“All the ones I’ve dated have been extremely charming at first. So much so that the little red flags they gave off during that time were missed usually. Looking back on it I feel so silly for not catching that and running. It’s like a Trojan horse tactic to also get you to open up about yourself so they can attack later with those very things you mentioned. Backhanded compliments are a big one I experienced, as well as a ton of intermittent reward patterns. They all do it. One was obsessive/protective over me but still made me feel destroyed about my self esteem. The other acted passive and nonchalant...which also destroyed my self esteem. It’s quite amazing what people can do.”
-Female (she/her); 27-years old
Why Do We Attract Who We Attract?
As a therapist, clients often ask me: “Why do I keep attracting the same type of people?” I typically get a few blank stares, eyebrow raises, or a “What?” once I respond and say to them that they may actually be the ones making this happen. It’s a hard pill to swallow, I get it. I’ve been there and know what it’s like to be on the other side (as a client) and have to digest information that’s painful--but it’s the truth.
We Attract What We Think We Deserve
Here is my reasoning: We attract what we think we deserve and we accept what we think we deserve. What we believe we deserve oftentimes originated in early childhood. Reflect on your relationship history and identify the patterns. As soon as we are born, we form attachments to those around us to survive and throughout our formative years we become aware of our attachment with our primary caregivers.
We Recreate Patterns from Childhood
Depending on what our attachment looked like with our primary caregivers in our formative years can strongly influence what our attachment patterns will look like with others when we are adults. Oftentimes these patterns we’ve created from childhood persist into adulthood; however, the difference now is that it’s happening with others and not our primary caregivers. Nonetheless, if you’re attracting people who are toxic, emotionally unavailable, or who need “fixing” then it is likely you are recreating these patterns subconsciously.
“We live in the past yet it is dead. If we live the way we have lived until now, the future will be the same as the past. Work on yourselves, change something about yourself in the present, then the future may be different.”
-G.I. Gurdjieff
We Want to Save the World
The term savior complex does not appear in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), because it is not a clinical term nor a diagnosable disorder. It’s merely a mental state. It is a psychological construct of our own making which causes one to feel compelled to save or solve other people’s problems. This type of person telegraphs their overwhelming desire to help people and are alert for people who urgently need help. They then offer to solve the problem, sometimes to the point of neglecting their own needs. The savior complex is harmful when it serves as a diversion of focus - so people don’t have to address their own problems. Fortunately, this pattern of thinking can be changed through learning about boundaries and building healthier relational patterns. A qualified therapist can help you learn when to help and how to wait for someone to request help before stepping in.
Why Do I Keep Attracting Toxic Partners?
As I mentioned above, the reason you keep attracting toxic partners may be traced back to signals you’re sending out. These signals can be traced back to childhood and you may be continuing to recreate childhood patterns. Let’s look at a psychological theory to help explain the concept.
According to object relations theory, the way people relate to others and situations in their adult lives is shaped by family experiences during childhood. Object relation refers to the dynamic internalized relationships between the self and significant others (objects). Internal “objects” are created during childhood as the child has repeated experiences with their parent(s). This in turn suggests that in healthy development, these mental representations from repeated experiences with parent(s) evolve over time. In unhealthy development, they remain at an incomplete level. The earliest experiences or “internal images” that a person has with their parent(s) can predict how future relationships for this person will be.
Seeking toxic relationships to correct negative childhood experiences
This can explain why you seem to be attracted to the same kind of negative relationships (romantic and/or non-romantic). If you are continuing to find yourself in a cycle of negative relationships then you may be seeking a corrective emotional experience. Simply put, you may be seeking negative relationships for the purpose of reenacting the negative dynamic in a way that allows you to correct the original negative experience you experienced in childhood.
How Do I Stop Attracting Toxic Friends?
Set Boundaries
Do you have a hard time setting boundaries and saying “no?” Toxic people take advantage of people who have poor boundaries. Know deep down that you have needs of your own, assert them and try not to feel bad about it later. It may be hard but try not to dwell on feeling that you hurt someone when you say, “this is not OK,” or “here’s what is acceptable to me and here’s what isn’t.” You owe it to yourself to set limitations in your life to what you will and will not tolerate. That alone will help you filter out some of the toxic people out of your life.
Stop Trying to “fix” or “save” People
Toxic people do not respect boundaries and often make you want to fix them and their problems. They want you to feel sorry for them, and responsible for what happens to them. And once you’ve helped them with the problem there’s inevitably another one. Their problems never get solved. Toxic people are also alert for those people with the “savior complex.” They constantly want your sympathy and support and will take extreme measures in order to get it. You trying to “fix” or “save” them never works and it’s also not your responsibility. It’s not fair to you to constantly be placed in that position because you most likely care more about what happens to them than they do.
Recognize Your Own Toxic Behaviors
Toxic behavior can be easier to recognize in others but very hard to recognize in ourselves. In fact, we can act out these behaviors for most of our adult lives and never realize how we’re wounding those around us – and ourselves, too. An important but overlooked way to stop attracting toxic people is to recognize your own toxic behaviors and work to actively change those behaviors.
Detoxify Your Relationships
So, how do you stop attracting toxic people and get out of the cycle of negative relationships?
Identify and recognize patterns
Identify the toxic influences in your life. Once you do that, you can take a closer look at your negative relationships and compare them to your childhood experiences. By doing this, you can start to recognize patterns. Ask yourself the following questions:
In this relationship, what does the person do (or doesn’t do) that makes you feel bad about yourself?
Then examine your relationship with your parents (or primary caregivers)...which parent has a stronger impact on you? Which one are you closest to?
Which one did you have a negative relationship with and why? If it was both, which was worse?
Note: A negative relationship doesn’t have to necessarily mean that you were abused by your parents, it can also mean your parent was: absent, worked a lot, was emotionally unavailable, critical, disengaged, invalidating, mentally unstable, under the influence of drugs/alcohol, etc.
Be Assertive
In order to set healthy boundaries, you have to practice being assertive. Being assertive shows you respect yourself and that you won’t tolerate any B.S. You’re willing to stand up for yourself and express your thoughts and feelings. Being assertive is not to be confused with aggression. When you’re assertive you’re also demonstrating that you’re aware of others’ rights and willing to find a solution to the issue. You’re not belittling or attacking others, which is what being aggressive entails. This can be hard to do if you’re not used to communicating this way. Remind yourself that you deserve to have healthy relationships and that if you don’t set boundaries then toxic people will just continue to disrupt your life
Work with a Therapist
If you have relationship trauma and continue to find yourself stuck in cycles of toxic relationships, then therapy can be something to seriously consider. A therapist can help you come to terms with your childhood experiences and make sense of how these experiences have impacted you and your past and/or current relationships. Not only that, but a therapist can also help you identify toxic influences in your life and how to take steps to create boundaries or a new life without them.
We know it can be challenging to break the cycles of toxic relationships. If you need guidance and support, contact us to schedule a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation. We also provide support for women struggling with depression, anxiety, relationships and trauma.
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