A “How To” Guide to Setting Boundaries with Parents
If you’re reading this, you are most likely a young adult struggling to navigate the complex and evolving relationship between “child” and parent. Maybe you’re wondering what boundaries are, why they’re important, and how to start setting boundaries with your parents.
Parents typically have good intentions and want the best for their kids, but oftentimes their care and concern can come across as controlling, feeling suffocated and not being given the space to become an independent adult. If you are feeling like your parents won’t leave you alone, trust you to make decisions or stop giving you unwanted advice, then you’ve come to the right place.
What Are Boundaries?
To understand what boundaries are, it can be helpful to think of your next door neighbor. You probably wouldn’t appreciate if your neighbor helped themselves to the fruit on your fruit trees, or let their kids play in your yard without asking, or let their dog go to the bathroom on your lawn without picking it up. If you were to build a tall, concrete wall around your house, you would definitely keep your neighbor from doing all of the things that annoy you, but you might also be keeping other people out, like your spouse or best friend or roommate.
Healthy Boundaries
A healthy boundary is like a fence with a gate. A gated fence allows for you to still see and talk to your neighbor, but creates a physical line that should not be crossed, unless they’ve asked. It’s flexible and gives you what you need without cutting people off completely.
Boundaries can be emotional or physical and are meant to provide safety, separation and to set rules and guidelines around how you’d like to be treated. You’re setting the expectation that you value your needs and wants, and would like others to do the same. Examples of boundaries you might set with your parents are: “please stop commenting on my weight, it doesn’t feel good,” “I can only do family dinners once a week,” or “please knock before coming in my room.”
Boundaries are protecting you from something that makes you uncomfortable or goes against your values.
Why Are Boundaries Important?
Healthy, flexible boundaries are important in any relationship whether it’s a friendship, parent-child relationship, romantic relationship, or professional. Boundaries are a form of self care because you are prioritizing your wants and needs. Boundaries allow you to be your true self in your relationships. You have set the expectations around how you’d like to be treated and what you need from others.
Boundaries are important in setting realistic expectations in relationships. They can often lead to more vulnerability and better communication within relationships. They keep things from getting toxic, and who wants toxic relationships?
Why Are Boundaries Hard to Set?
Now that we’ve established what boundaries are and why they’re important, we can talk about why they’re so hard to establish, especially with parents. Maybe you feel like, in general your parents are good people who have good intentions but are a little suffocating. They mean well but you’re really starting to get annoyed or even hurt by their words and actions. You want to keep them in your life but you need them to respect you and your wishes.
Setting boundaries with parents can be challenging for a number of reasons:
-you’re worried you’ll hurt their feelings
-you’re scared they will be angry with what you’re asking for
-it could change your relationship with them in a not so positive way
-you don’t know what you actually need or want from them
-you just don’t know how to do it
-your family wasn’t raised with boundaries and may find the idea confusing or unnecessary -you don’t want to upset them
-you don’t think you’re worth it
-being vulnerable and asking for what you need is scary
If you can relate to any of these reasons, you’re not alone. People of all ages struggle to set boundaries with their parents. It feels unnatural to tell your parents you need them to act differently. It can be uncomfortable and clumsy and oftentimes people just don't have the skills or support to set good boundaries with others. And that’s not your fault.
A Step by Step Guide to Setting Boundaries with Your Parents
Identify how you wish to be treated in your relationships and what your values are.
Identify what’s not working between you and your parents, and what you need to change (more space, less texts, respect your partner, etc.).
Connect your “ask” with an emotion-people bond and connect through emotions. This is especially important if you are worried about hurting your parents feelings. An example: “It makes me feel like I’m a failure when you comment on my weight, and I’d really like it if you could stop”. Your parents will hear the emotion in what you’re asking of them rather than a demand.
Set reasonable expectations: if your parents are new to boundaries, it may take some time for them to adjust to what you’re asking. You will probably have to remind them a few times of your boundaries.
Set consequences for when your boundaries are crossed. For example: “Mom, you commented on my weight again today so I think I’m going to take some space from you this week.” Although this may feel harsh, your mom will be reminded that she needs to take your request seriously so that it doesn’t continue to happen.
Take care of yourself. You should be proud of yourself for setting boundaries with your parents, and acknowledge that it’s not easy! Go reward yourself!
Setting boundaries with your parents can be hard, but you don’t have to navigate the process alone. If you need guidance and support, contact us to schedule a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation. We also provide support for women struggling with depression, anxiety, relationships and trauma.
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