Attachment Styles and How They Affect Adult Relationships
Are you clingy and anxious when your partner leaves or do you barely notice? You may have heard people talk about their attachment styles when it comes to intimate relationships. Attachment styles have become popular in modern language, and just like personality types are now common buzzwords. But, what is attachment and how is it formed?
Attachment Theory
Attachment theory, formulated by psychologist John Bowlby, is based on the relationship between an infant and their parent or primary caregiver. Attachment theory suggests that as infants, we form an attachment style with our main caregivers that carries with us into adulthood. Bowlby believed that infants engage in behaviors such as crying and clinging to avoid losing connection with their parents or caregiver and display other behaviors when reunited with that caregiver. Bowlby states that these behaviors are important to survival.
Attachment Styles
During Bowlby’s research, he noticed that when infants are placed in an unfamiliar situation or are separated from their parents, they will respond in one of three ways when their parents return:
Secure: Although the infant showed distress when separated, they were easily comforted upon being reunited.
Anxious-resistant: Showed an increased level of distress upon separation, sought comfort upon return but also showed behaviors of trying to “punish” their parent for leaving them
Anxious-Avoidant: Showed little to no distress upon being separated, and either didn’t seek comfort or avoided all attempts to be comforted upon parents return.
Later on in attachment research, a fourth attachment style was added called the disorganized-disoriented attachment style which means the infant had no predictable behavior pattern to separation and reunification with their parent or caregiver.
How Attachment is Formed
Attachment is all about a connection and bond between two people, starting in infancy. Infants and children rely on their primary caregivers to meet their needs, and remain a secure base for the child to explore their surroundings. Attachment styles start to form as soon as a baby is six weeks old and are typically formed within the first 18 months of life. During the toddler stage, kids are beginning to form ideas around their self worth, and how reliable others are at meeting their needs. By this point, the attachment style is typically solidified based on how dependable their primary caregiver is.
Do Attachment Styles Affect Intimate Relationships?
The answer is yes, they do! If you’re wondering why you may be experiencing the same behaviors and patterns in every relationship, it may have to do with your attachment style! Are you jealous, pull away when your partner gets close, get too clingy or feel anxious when not with your SO?
According to Bowlby, we carry our attachment styles with us into adulthood and into our romantic relationships. Your attachment behaviors that played out between you and your parent as a child, are now playing out between you and your partner.
If you have a secure attachment style, you probably feel comfortable not being with your partner 24/7 and are confident in the trust and honesty you’ve built between one another. You feel connected and secure when apart, and overall are satisfied with your relationship. If a partner falls under the anxious-avoidant category, they may tend to isolate from others, feel less reliant on human connection, shut down during arguments and insist on remaining independent.
Those who have formed a less secure attachment with their partner may have an anxious-resistant style. This means they may show signs of desperation for their partner’s attention, feel that their partner completes them while at the same time engaging in behaviors that push their partner away. A disorganized attachment style can look like the partner showing ambivalence towards the other, or avoiding their feelings as to not get overwhelmed. This may show up as abrupt mood swings. People who fall in this category seem to be drawn to others who also are fearful of getting close, which can lead to difficulty forming meaningful connections and healthy relationships.
Attachment Styles and Compatibility
After reading about the various attachment styles, you may be wondering if some are more compatible than others, like in personality types. Here are combinations of attachment styles that are compatible:
Secure Attachment:
Most Compatible: Secure
Least Compatible: Anxious-Avoidant
Anxious-Resistant:
Most Compatible: Secure
Least Compatible: Disorganized
Anxious-Avoidant:
Most Compatible: Anxious-Resistant
Least Compatible: Disorganized
Disorganized:
Most Compatible: Secure/Anxious-Avoidant
Least Compatible: Anxious-Resistant
Can My Attachment Style Change?
If you don’t fall under the secure attachment style category, you may be asking yourself if you can change your attachment style towards a more secure one. With therapy and being in relationships with those who have secure attachments, your attachment style can change! Being in a relationship with someone who has a secure attachment will allow you to feel more comfortable exploring your attachment wounds. Knowing your partner will be there for you (like a parent would be there for a child as they explore the world around them) can repair early wounds. In addition to therapy, there are steps you can take to try and alter your attachment style:
-explore your attachment wounds and why you have the attachment style that you do
-raise your self esteem, which allows for more security in relationships and decreases codependency
-work on self soothing, which will allow for you to not rely on others to always meet your emotional needs
-learn to identify your triggers to manage your reactions in relationships and conflict
Signs of Attachment Issues
When a child is unable to form a secure and healthy attachment with an adult, they may develop an attachment disorder. If this is the case, there are signs that you or someone you know is struggling with attachment issues in adulthood. Some of these signs include: difficulty reading emotions, resistance to affection, trouble showing affection, low levels of trust, trouble maintaining relationships, anger issues and detachment.
Attachment Based Therapy
If you are finding yourself wanting to work on your attachment style or are seeing any of the signs of attachment issues in yourself, you should seek attachment based therapy. The goal of attachment based therapy is to address the negative experience of an insecure attachment during childhood, and to increase the individual’s ability to form a secure attachment in adulthood. The therapist will work to become the secure base for the client as they explore their attachment wounds. As the client and therapist build trust, the client will see the therapist as their secure base and can openly communicate emotions and experiences, until they feel comfortable doing that with someone else, like a partner.
If you are interested in taking a quiz to help figure out your attachment style, start here.
If Attachment Based Therapy sounds like something you would benefit from, please reach out to us for a complimentary 15 minute phone consultation.
We also provide support for women struggling with depression, anxiety, relationship issues, and life transitions.
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