Am I a Perfectionist?
There is a good chance you might be a perfectionist if you’re reading this.
Maybe you’re hoping for a perfectionist quiz that will definitively tell you whether or not you are a perfectionist.
On top of that, you probably wondered if there was an opportunity to get a high score! That’s why I decided against including a perfectionist test and instead focused on a checklist of scenarios that may seem familiar. As a therapist specializing in anxiety and perfectionism (and as a recovering perfectionist myself), I have a strong suspicion that you may see yourself in many of these examples.
There is no definitive perfectionist test, but there are some behaviors and thoughts that may provide a strong YES to: am I a perfectionist?
Our Am I a Perfectionist “Quiz”
Do any of these scenarios sound familiar to you?
You feel like you have to control any and every thing ✓
You have unrealistic expectations (especially of yourself) ✓
You have trouble starting projects ✓
You starting and then abandon projects ✓
You feel like you have to be productive to be worthy ✓
You have trouble “letting it go” ✓
Let’s take a closer look at each of these behaviors and beliefs and then come up with a way to deal with them.
Control
When you think about not having control, do you start to sweat a little?
Does the thought of delegating tasks to your partner (or even more difficult—your kids) create a sense of worry or doom?
How often have you gone back and unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher after someone else did the chore, or asked friends or family to do you a favor but ended up doing it yourself so it was done “right”?
The general function of control is to tamp down worry by considering all of the eventualities and coming up with a strategy to deal with them. Controlling everyone and everything gives us a false sense of safety. Because as we all know (even if it’s somewhere deep down), there are millions of things beyond our control and the ONE thing that is truly within our control is our self.
Expectations
Most of my clients who struggle with perfectionism believe their expectations of themselves are high but realistic.
They believe that if they don’t hold themselves to a high standard and if they don’t challenge their complacency, they will fall short of their goals and be disappointed. On the surface, this sounds logical—if I push myself to work harder and to do better, I will be better, and I can be proud of myself.
The fallacy is believing you are only worthy if you succeed in meeting your goals or challenges.
Often we are raised by parents with good intentions, parents who just want to see their children succeed. But what happens when praise is tied to accomplishment? What happens when you do your best and there’s still a question of whether it was enough? By the time we become adults, we no longer need our parents to express disapproval—we have internalized it and become our own taskmaster and worst critic. The key to acceptance and growth is to truly believe you succeeded IN SPITE of the harsh criticism and impossible goals.
You succeed because you were enough from the start.
Projects
Procrastination is a perfectionist’’s best friend, actually more of a best frenemy.
How often have you had a big assignment or task and waited until the last minute because you were afraid that no matter what you did, it would not be good enough? Maybe you have had the experience of starting something (finally) and then pushing it to the side because it wasn’t working out the way you planned.
Perfectionism stands in the way of completing projects and tasks and feeling a sense of accomplishment. At best you feel happy it’s over, but there’s always that little voice that says, “You didn’t try hard enough. You could have done so much better. You messed it up again.”
It makes sense that we wouldn’t even want to start something new if the only messages we hear are how bad we are at everything. The key to starting and finishing tasks and goals is to break them down into small pieces that don’t feel so overwhelming and then to radically accept that you are doing your best, nothing is perfect, and in fact, done is better than perfect.
Doing
Do you love “to do” lists? Does your heart skip a beat when you get to mark something off as “completed”? That feeling of accomplishment can be a great motivator. We all love to see how far we’ve come and the progress we’ve made.
But what happens when you can only feel that sense of accomplishment when you’ve completed a lengthy list of to do items (and even then it feels like there’s more you could be doing). People who struggle with perfectionism rarely feel accomplished. At best you feel a sense of completion, but somehow it never feels like enough. So you keep DOING in hopes that it will lead to a feeling of satisfaction. But it’s a bottomless pit - because no matter how much you do, your mind tells you that you have to keep grinding in order to truly matter.
Holding On
Remember that time in 5th grade when you finally worked up the nerve to answer a question out loud and you were wrong? No one else in the class noticed but you will remember that moment every time you think about putting yourself out there. And as an adult you will burn with shame and embarrassment when you think about that day (like you do repeatedly), just like you did that day in 5th grade. Perfectionism does not allow for mistakes. Wrong = bad.
Now What
You’ve taken the perfectionist quiz and determined you may be a perfectionist. Maybe that did not come as a surprise or maybe you previously did not consider yourself a perfectionist because you were not “perfect” enough. Either way, you have some thinking to untangle. A fundamental shift can occur when you begin to challenge your thoughts and realize that they are not facts. Just because you think something does not make it true. Facts are irrefutable, something you can prove scientifically, and the judgments you make about yourself and others are opinion.
Before you can change your thinking though, you have to be able to identify your thoughts and feelings in the present moment. This is where mindfulness comes in. If you begin to cultivate an intentional practice of being in the moment, you start to recognize that your thoughts and feelings are not automatic, they are a result of your experiences - and in most cases a continuation of the messages you received from your parents or caregivers. And in doing this you can start to question whether or not you still believe these messages. You can even start to challenge your thinking. Is it really true that I am only a good person if I check everything off a 100 item to do list? Is it possible to do a task without making any mistakes? And is there some benefit in making mistakes, and in learning from our failures?
After you have had some success in challenging your thinking, it’s time to offer yourself love and compassion. This can be hard for someone who thinks their worth is tied to accomplishments and meeting unreasonable standards. But feel that and do the practice anyway. The only way to start loving yourself is to start loving yourself. Begin by practicing loving kindness. Take it slow and if you are having difficulty, imagine offering love and peace to your child self. Visualize that smart 5th grader who was brave enough to speak up, even if she didn’t always have the right answer.
Get Help With Perfectionism
If the answer to your question: “Am I a perfectionist?” was a resounding YES, there is still hope. Running in place on the treadmill and feeling like you never measure up is exhausting. You can’t live your best life if your version of your best life is unattainable and doesn’t exist. If you need help challenging your thinking and letting go of the shame and guilt of unworthiness, therapy for anxiety is a great way to address perfectionism. If you are in the Mesa area, we can help you with perfectionism, along with struggles related to motherhood, depression, trauma, and life transitions.
Contact us to set up a complimentary phone consultation.