Failing as a Mom: Stop Blaming Yourself and Change Your Thinking
It happened again, you feel like you’re failing as a mom.
You worked 10+ hours at your day job and then came home to a second shift. Your oldest failed their math test because they spent all night playing video games instead of studying, your youngest keeps reaching out to be held, the dog needs to be taken for a walk, and supper is just about to burn on the stove.
You lose it. Yelling at the kids (and the dog) is followed by tears - from everyone, and accusations that you are the, “worst mom ever.”
Rips happen.
How to stop feeling like you’re failing as a mom with “Rupture and Repair”
Understanding the concept of rupture and repair helps moms accept that we will make mistakes. The most important thing is how we deal with those mistakes. Do we take accountability and apologize for our actions? Or do we minimize our responsibility and blame others? Do we acknowledge our imperfections or stay stuck in feeling like we are failing as moms?
As parents we teach our children the importance of saying sorry but we sometimes neglect to apologize to our kids when we make mistakes. Dr. Dan Siegel, psychiatrist and expert on attachment and parenting, talks about the importance of repair in the context of building strong relationships and ensuring resilience in children.
Of course we lose it sometimes. Being a mom is hard work and day to day responsibilities are overwhelming and intense. You are doing your best. And you can work to change the things that are hurting you and your relationship with your family.
The most important thing is to love and respect your kids for who they are, and not who you (or your parents, friends, extended family, and neighbor down the street) want them to be.
Thinking about children, and their capacity for awareness and growth, has changed in the last 25 years. “Children should be seen and not heard,” is outdated. Children should be free to explore the world and your job as a mom is to keep them safe during that journey. Cuddle and kiss your kids (yes, even dads need to get in on the snuggles), respond to their injuries with validation and concern - try to minimize telling them not to cry or feel their feelings.
I know it’s hard to see our little ones in pain but telling them not to cry teaches them it’s not OK to express what’s inside. And always forgive yourself when you make a mistake and feel like you are failing as a mom.
How Your Parents Made You Who You Are….and What You Can Do About It
It may not surprise you to know that your style of attachment comes from your family of origin. And that isn’t just your mother/child bond. The way you interact with people closest to you is influenced by the way your parents interacted with you
Let’s look at the different attachment styles and how they show up in motherhood.
Attachment Styles:
Secure
Disorganized (fearful-avoidant)
Avoidant (dismissive)
Anxious
Secure attachment is reciprocal. The adult who had a secure attachment with their early caregivers feels comfortable with themselves and accepts their limitations. They are also able to regulate their emotions and understand that life has ups and downs. This shows up as having boundaries and rules for your kids (and the family as a whole) but not being so rigid that kids can’t offer input or resistance.
Disorganized attachment is characterized by an unstable view of yourself and others. Getting close to people is scary but feels necessary. Emotions are a rollercoaster and sometimes painful, to the point of pushing everything down. This shows up as ambivalence and inconsistency. Sometimes you establish a long list of rules and stick to them. But most of the time the rules or routines are arbitrary and you may punish yourself (or the children) for not always being on the same page.
Avoidant attachment is often the lack of relationship with others. People with avoidant attachment view themselves as independent and self-sufficient, sometimes to a fault. This shows up as emotional distance and not allowing yourself to get close to your children. This often results in having unrealistically high expectations for yourself and your family, which leads to perfectionism and isolation..
Anxious attachment involves focus on getting, and keeping, the approval of others. People with anxious attachment look to others for validation. They often have a hard time identifying who they are outside of a relationship. This shows up as having a hard time creating, enforcing, or sticking to boundaries. This can be the permissive mom who doesn’t want to be “the bad guy.”
What to remember when you feel like a failure as a mom:
Our experience with early caregivers creates our attachment style. But it is not our destiny. Having a mom who is responsive to a child’s needs and models healthy boundaries helps kids develop secure attachments. But there is no perfect mom. You are not failing as a mom if you don’t respond to your children’s emotional needs 100% of the time. Consistency is key, as are empathy and compassion (for your kids and yourself).
How Do I Use This Information to Stop Feeling Like I'm Failing as a Mom
Saying You’re Sorry
If you lose your temper, which WILL happen, you can choose to be right or you can choose to be effective and provide a learning opportunity. We refuse to take accountability for our reactions and get stuck in self-righteous anger . If you apologize to your children for losing your temper (because you don’t have to yell or hit to teach them a lesson or to prove your point) you are normalizing feeling and showing your emotions. Help them understand that just because you are mad doesn’t mean you have to be unkind.
Taking Care of Your Own Needs
The easiest way to meet your children’s needs is to make sure your emotional and physical needs are met. If you are run yourself ragged and don't take care of YOU, how can you take care of anyone else. It sounds counterintuitive to add one more thing to your already full plate but this is non-negotiable. Take time every day to give back to yourself, whether it’s exercise, hobbies, yoga, meditation, or a quiet (solo) bubble bath.
Work on Your Own Stuff
Awareness of your own attachment style and parenting experience will go a long way towards helping you navigate your relationship with your children. As the saying goes, “If you don’t work it out, you act it out.”
If you are in the Mesa area, we can help you work through the pain of feeling like a failure as a mom. We also provide support for women struggling with depression, trauma, and life transitions.
Contact us to set up a complimentary phone consultation.