Why Do I Feel So Bad About Myself?

As human beings, we can be harshly critical of ourselves. Many of us resonate with the popular phrase “you are your own worst enemy.” You might judge yourself and think, Why do I feel bad about myself? Does everyone feel this way? Is it normal to feel this way about myself all the time?

If this sounds familiar, keep reading. Maybe we can find the answer to your questions.

Why do I feel bad about myself?

There is a good chance that you can’t help feeling bad about yourself because you are stuck in the past. You are likely holding onto feelings of  neglect, abandonment, rejection, and invalidation that were present during your childhood. Our relationships with our caregivers during childhood shape our relationships in adulthood. The sense of feeling stuck can cause our lives to seem confusing, discouraging and dull. It’s not surprising to discover that research has indicated feeling stuck is often the underlying factor in anxiety, sadness, depression, and substance abuse.

Not feeling good enough as a child

If you had a parent that was disapproving of you, then you may be experiencing the effects of it now as an adult. This can feel like nothing you ever do is good enough. You may notice you suffer from low self confidence and wonder why you are feeling bad about yourself so often. Not having a caregiver who was present, paid attention to you, or acknowledged things you did well, can have negative consequences on you now. You may find it challenging to find the drive to motivate yourself. 

Believing you must be “perfect”

Did you ever feel that in order to be appreciated you needed to be perfect? A perfectionist mindset feeds us the belief that without accomplishment we are worthless. “I feel bad because I didn't do (insert name of specific task, goal, project) good enough.” 

In short, you are shaped and molded by all these experiences and may not have recognized their significance until you reached adulthood and noticed constant thoughts related to feeling bad about yourself.

Always comparing yourself to others: 

Self Esteem versus Self Compassion

Maybe you think you're feeling bad about yourself because you have low self-esteem. What is self-esteem? Self-esteem is our subjective evaluation of our own worth. It is a positive evaluation of our self-worth and requires feeling better than others. The sneaky part about self-esteem is that it’s there for you when something good happens, but abandons you when you make a mistake, experience a shortcoming, or embarrass  yourself.

It is contingent on certain aspects such as how physically attractive we feel or how successful we are.

However, self-compassion is not self pity or indulgence. But you and I both know…there are more times than not where we don't feel attractive or good enough, make a mistake, or experience hardships in our lives. So if we continue to rely solely on self-esteem then we are at risk for having an unstable sense of self-worth.  

The never-ending cycle of comparison

In our society, high self-esteem requires you to be special and above average.  Everyone wants to be unique in some way; however, it is impossible for everyone to be this way at the same time. There may be some areas that we shine in. But the truth is there will always be someone that is more attractive, smarter, or more successful. And the other way around. We remain stuck in this cycle of inadequacy whenever we compare ourselves to those who we believe are “better” than us.  

How do I stop feeling bad about myself?

Cultivate self-compassion. Self-compassion involves being kind to ourselves and treating ourselves like we would treat someone we deeply care about, instead of being harshly critical of ourselves. It reminds us that as human beings we are perfectly imperfect. Everyone experiences moments of suffering (it is an unavoidable part of life!) Self-compassion also reminds us to have awareness and non-judgmental acceptance of the feelings (positive or negative) come up for us in the here and now. When we can “be with” our feelings, with non-judgmental awareness, we can see ourselves and our situation more clearly. We aren’t doing ourselves any favors by continuing to avoid our feelings and suppress them. All this does is exaggerate and intensify our feelings when they resurface again. 

Simple ways to practice

If you are struggling with finding self-compassion for yourself when you need it, try engaging in this exercise on how you would treat a friend. Think about what you would say to a good friend if they were feeling bad about themselves, or going through a similar hardship as you right now. Would things change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to a close friend?

Try the self-compassion break, this practice can be used any time you are  feeling bad about yourself (there is also an audio guided meditation!)

Try a formal meditation practice, such as affectionate breathing.

Learn more about loving kindness meditation. You can use this practice for yourself, people close to you, and people you have difficulty with. 

If you are in the Mesa area, we can help you answer the question, "why do I feel so bad about myself," and work through the pain of the past in order to start loving yourself. We also provide support for women struggling with depression, trauma, and life transitions. 

Contact us to set up a complimentary phone consultation. 

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