Struggling with How to Get Over Something: Tips for Letting It Be

You keep yourself distracted with social media, television, and constant background noise, but when it gets quiet, those negative thoughts creep back in. That horrible thing you did five years ago, the time that boy hurt your feelings in fifth grade, the painful breakup you had six months ago. You probably just want it to go away and wonder how to get over something that happened in the past.

Why Can’t I Get Over Things

Our brains are complex systems, but sometimes our brain takes its job too seriously. And that’s where rumination comes in. Rumination is the process of repetitive overthinking, generally about something negative. 

In theory this seems helpful - if I examine something from 20 different angles, I will surely come up with a better solution to handle this situation next time. But the problem is, our brains don’t know we are attempting to problem solve for the future. Our brains are just experiencing the same painful event over and over and over. 

This hamster wheel thinking keeps us stuck in the thoughts and emotions we felt at the time of the event. We can’t break free of the past because our brains keep us stuck there. And we can’t possibly start to develop a plan for how to get over something if we are just reliving the painful thing like Groundhog Day.

Getting Over Painful Memories

When you are looking for answers on how to get over stuff, it’s a good bet you are not looking to deal with your good memories or the positive things that have happened to you. Painful memories (regret, hurt, embarrassment, heartbreak) hold an emotional charge because our traumatic memories are not stored in the same way. 

The intensity of the emotions (and often of the situation you experience) lead to the memories being stored in a fragmented way. And since our sense memory (smells, sounds, touch) is so strong and evocative, we can be triggered by the things in our environment that may not be related to the original incident.

This creates frustration and fear because it seems like there’s nowhere we can go where we aren’t reminded of the past. 

Can I Forget the Past

So now you may be wondering, can I just get over something by pushing it away or not thinking about it? You may be able to push it down for a while, keep yourself busy and distracted enough so the thoughts are in the back of your mind.

But they are still there. And they still hurt you.

Eventually your distraction and mental tricks stop working and you have to do more and more to keep from thinking about all of the painful  things. You might even turn to addictions to cope. Alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, porn. They all work to help you forget about it for a while. Until they don’t. 

As Marsha Linehan (creator of DBT - Dialectical Behavior Therapy) so eloquently says,

“The bottom line is that if you are in hell, the only way out is to go through a period of sustained misery. Misery is, of course, much better than hell, but it is painful nonetheless. By refusing to accept the misery that it takes to climb out of hell, you end up falling back into hell repeatedly, only to have to start over and over again.”

How Long Will This Take

Maybe you have accepted that you have to feel to heal and you are ready to face the past. Now you may be asking yourself: how long will this take? Is there a timeline for my misery and grief? 

I am so sorry to be the one to break it to you, but there is no manual for how to get over something. It takes as long as it takes. But with motivation, courage, and support, you can heal from anything and come out stronger on the other side. 

And we will help you get started with some tips on how to reduce the pain of your traumatic memories.

Let It Be versus Let It Go

When well intentioned people tell us to “let it go,” they are usually trying to convince us to move on. Forget the pain of the past and keep going forward. There are a couple of problems with this.

First, what happens to us will always be a part of us. But it doesn’t have to keep hurting us in the same way. 

Second, sometimes our loved ones don’t like seeing us in pain and maybe it would be easier for them if you weren’t in pain anymore. They might think moving on would make you happier, which in turn makes them happier.

You are not responsible for anyone else. The only person you have emotional responsibility for is you. And letting it go may not be the most effective path.

Instead try to “let it be.” Do the work so that when you think about painful memories (or experience physical reminders), you know it’s a memory and part of what happened to you BUT it doesn’t have to hurt you anymore and it’s not who you are. 

How to Get Over Something

As you have learned, the only way out is through. Working with a therapist can help you sort through the pain of the past and learn new ways of coping. If you are not quite there yet (or would just like new ways of coping), try one of the techniques below.

5 Ways to Let it Be

Distraction

When you can’t seem to stop the hamster wheel in your head, distraction can be a good way to get some peace. Pick something that engages your brain. Games on your phone, binge watching television, calling a friend to spill the tea. All of these activities can serve as a temporary fix. 

Grounding

Sometimes ruminating thoughts can keep you stuck in the past. Come back to the present by trying some grounding exercises. Grounding involves engaging your brain and body and helps you feel more centered and in the now.

Externalize Your Experience

One of the sneaky things about our thoughts is that we believe them. If I think it, it must be true. Right? Not necessarily. Many of the things we think are true are our judgments and interpretations. Take a step back from your thoughts and imagine them as clouds floating by, as leaves on a stream, or as passing train cars. This will allow you a little space between your thoughts and your reality and sometimes this is enough. 

Reframing 

After you have created some distance from your thoughts, you can start to question  whether or not they are true and then create what you would like to believe instead. Reframing your thoughts involves thinking about what the truth is, rather than what your judgments and assumptions are telling you. 

Control What You Can Control 

In the midst of being stuck in painful memories we can forget that we have control in the present that we might not have had in the past. If there are tangible things you can change, in your environment or in your thoughts, working on changing those things works much better than sitting in helplessness and overwhelm. Write down a list of what’s bothering you and assess whether or not they can be solved or just have to be tolerated. 

If you are in the Mesa area and experiencing difficulty getting over something, contact us today to schedule a free consultation. We also provide support for women struggling with depression, anxiety, and life transitions. 

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