Working Mom Guilt: Depression and Anxiety in Working Moms
Let me make one thing abundantly clear - ALL moms are working moms. The division between stay-at- home and working moms only serves to divide and weaken us. Mom guilt is a struggle that many mothers have.
With that being said, moms who work outside the home have some struggles and needs specific to their experience.
Having To Do It All
There have been numerous studies citing the unequal distribution of labor in households where both parents work. In single parent households, moms have no other choice than to handle work and home responsibilities solo.
Women who work outside the home have a work day and then come home to a second shift of home tasks. Homework, cooking, cleaning, baths, and spending precious minutes with their partner leaves little time for self care or “me time.” When we talk about doing it all and taking care of everyone and everything, this does not generally extend to ourselves.
The Myth of Work/Life Balance
If you were holding on to the promise that one day you will achieve a magical balance in your work and life and things will be perfect, I’m so sorry to break it to you...that’s an illusion. There is no state of balance where everything in work and life are equal and you are handling them with precision and ease. There are good days and there are bad days . And everything in between.
Have you ever had a strong feeling of contentment, like all is right in the world and you are exactly where you need to be? How long did it last? Minutes? Probably not hours. Certainly not days. That feeling is the closest we will get to work/life balance. And it’s fleeting.
The most helpful thing we can do for ourselves and others is realize that our responsibilities ebb and flow with the seasons of our lives. Sometimes you will have a deadline at work and have to put in long hours. And sometimes your child will be involved in an extracurricular activity that takes up all of your weekend. Instead of fighting against the change and struggling to achieve some sort of mythical balance, we could just embrace it.
Embrace the Struggle
When we struggle against reality - think of a three year old having a temper tantrum - we cease to become effective. If you listen, you can hear the clues that you are fighting reality. How often do you hear yourself say, “This is so unfair. Why is this happening to me? I hate this. I can’t stand it.” All of these phrases illustrate nonacceptance and struggle.
Does hating housework or deadlines make them go away, or make them any easier to deal with? Why should things NOT happen to you? Is life ever really fair?
When we struggle with painful things by refusing to accept that reality is at it is (right now), then we create suffering. But when we accept reality, whether we like it or not, we may still have the painful thing…... but we can deal with how to handle it.
Radical Acceptance for Anxiety in Working Moms
The most helpful concept I’ve found for learning to live life on your terms is radical acceptance. I have taught and used radical acceptance (from Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and both clients and I find it to be a powerful practice.
Radical acceptance allows you to work on changing the things you can and tolerating the things you can’t. Think of an issue you are really struggling with right now and then walk through these steps:
Take notice if you find that you are fighting your current situation (clues are “this shouldn’t be happening to me, why does this always happen, I don’t deserve this.”)
Remind yourself that reality and your current situation are as they are (at this particular time). I like the saying, “Right now, it’s like this.”
Remember that there are causes and a history that led to your current situation. Not that YOU caused it, but events happened or existed in a certain way to bring you to the point you are now.
Practice radically accepting ALL THE WAY (mind, body and spirit). Use mindfulness and relaxation to ease your way into acceptance and to help calm yourself in the process.
Practice “opposite action.” Imagine that you have already accepted the situation or reality you are struggling with. What would that look like in your life? Use a journal or visualization to see yourself as successfully accepting, and coping with, your current reality.
Take note of any new body sensations or emotions that arise. You will probably experience some grief or sadness when you work on accepting something you have been struggling with for a while.
“Acknowledge that life can be worth living even when there is pain.” (Marsha Linehan, developer of Dialectical Behavior Therapy).
Practice pros and cons when you are resistant to acceptance.
Example of Radical Acceptance for Working Mom Guilt
Let’s look at an example of using radical acceptance using the example of working mom guilt. Mothers get a bad rap for producing feelings of guilt in their children. But that is nothing to the amount of guilt we feel about ourselves each and every day. We are never doing enough, or doing it right, or making it look easy. Working moms with anxiety often feel like we are doing both domestic and employment duties - and sucking at both.
Let me walk you through it:
Using radical acceptance, you would begin by identifying how you are fighting reality. What are your judgments about yourself? How often do you call yourself a “bad mom” because you forgot to do something or said no? Do you feel like you just can’t hold it together, in spite of proof to the contrary?
Next, gently remind yourself that this is how things are right now and they won’t stay the same. You are doing the best you can in this moment. Things may be hard right now, but it won’t be like this forever. I normally hate this saying but it works in this context - it is what it is.
Now think about why things are the way they are. There are causes to each of the factors contributing to your feelings of guilt. Whether it is a result of how you were raised, your own unrealistic expectations of yourself, or “helpful” feedback from friends and family, the guilt is a result of your beliefs (not fact). Notice any tension that arises when you think about things that are out of your control and remind yourself that you can’t change those things and can work on accepting them too.
Believe with your whole body and spirit that you accept reality, as it is (even if it doesn’t feel genuine at first). Use deep breathing or calming music to regulate yourself.
Practice visualizing how you would behave and how things might be different if you accepted yourself, as is. Would you feel lighter and more accomplished when you only finished half of your mile long to do list? Would you start taking care of yourself because you feel like you deserve it?
Check in on your body and mind. Some sadness, anger and shame may show up. Acknowledge that they are valid feelings and allow yourself to feel the pain of grieving the time you spent hating on yourself and worrying about how you will be successful in the future if you are not beating yourself up all the time.
“Acknowledge that life can be worth living even when there is pain.” Just because it sucks doesn’t mean it’s not worth it. We can even have moments of joy and growth in pain and overwhelm.
If all else fails, use pros and cons. What’s good about making yourself feel guilty and never measuring up? How does this belief let you off the hook when you want to justify not challenging yourself? How does it limit you? How would it feel to fully believe you are doing your best in this moment AND can continue to change and do better?
Get Help With Your Working Mom Guilt
Letting go of the shame and guilt of unworthiness will allow you to have more space for growth and authenticity. It is impossible to do it all. And you will never achieve a balance that gives equal time and energy to your family and employer. Embrace your struggles and greatness momma. You work hard for your family and boss. Believe that you can work just as hard for yourself.
Therapy for anxiety is a great way to get a handle on your working mom guilt. If you are in the Phoenix area, I can help you with motherhood and anxiety, along with struggles related to perfectionism. Contact me to set up a complimentary phone consultation.