• Secure attachment is reciprocal. The adult who had a secure attachment with their early caregivers feels comfortable with themselves and accepts their limitations. They are also able to regulate their emotions and understand that life has ups and downs. If you have a secure attachment style, you probably feel comfortable not being with your partner 24/7 and are confident in the trust and honesty you’ve built between one another. You feel connected and secure when apart, and overall are satisfied with your relationship

• Disorganized attachment is characterized by an unstable view of yourself and others. Getting close to people is scary but feels necessary. Emotions are a rollercoaster and sometimes painful, to the point of pushing everything down. A disorganized attachment style can look like the partner showing ambivalence towards the other, or avoiding their feelings as to not get overwhelmed.

• Avoidant attachment is often the lack of relationship with others. People with avoidant attachment view themselves as independent and self-sufficient, sometimes to a fault. If a partner falls under the avoidant category, they may tend to isolate from others, feel less reliant on human connection, shut down during arguments and insist on remaining independent.

• Anxious attachment involves focus on getting, and keeping, the approval of others. People with anxious attachment look to others for validation. They often have a hard time identifying who they are outside of a relationship. This means they may show signs of desperation for their partner’s attention, and feel that their partner completes them, while at the same time engaging in behaviors that push their partner away

With therapy and being in relationships with those who have secure attachments, your attachment style can change! Being in a relationship with someone who has a secure attachment will allow you to feel more comfortable exploring your attachment wounds. Knowing your partner will be there for you (like a parent would be there for a child as they explore the world around them) can repair early wounds.

Healing from painful childhood experiences requires a combination of establishing trust and safety and exposure and desensitization to the experience or memory. Our therapists use a combination of therapies, including DBT, mindfulness practices, and EMDR, in order to provide stabilization and healing.

The goal of attachment based therapy is to address the negative experience of an insecure attachment during childhood, and to increase the individual’s ability to form a secure attachment in adulthood. The therapist will work to become the secure base for the client as they explore their attachment wounds. As the client and therapist build trust, the client will see the therapist as their secure base and can openly communicate emotions and experiences, until they feel comfortable doing that with someone else, like a partner.

Awareness of your own attachment style and parenting experience will go a long way towards helping you navigate your relationship with your children. As the saying goes, “If you don’t work it out, you act it out.”

• Secure attachment shows up as having boundaries and rules for your kids (and the family as a whole) but not being so rigid that kids can’t offer input or resistance.

• Disorganized attachment can present as ambivalence and inconsistency. Sometimes you establish a long list of rules and stick to them. But most of the time the rules or routines are arbitrary and you may punish yourself (or the children) for not always being on the same page.

• Avoidant attachment can look like emotional distance and not allowing yourself to get close to your children. This often results in having unrealistically high expectations for yourself and your family, which leads to perfectionism and isolation..

• Anxious attachment can show up as having a hard time creating, enforcing, or sticking to boundaries. This can be the permissive mom who doesn’t want to be “the bad guy.”